So Daddy was gonna propose to me on Saturday at my 30th birthday party. No, we aren't legally married, yet. We have dated for over 4 years and lived together for all of 2011. We know that this is what we want and what SmartyPants wants too. He is my kid with or without a marriage license and even though I don't always get credit for being the best Stepmommy in existence, I know that I am and those brief moments when someone else realizes it and recognizes me for it are simply. the. best.
So, Daddy didn't propose because he realized that I had caught on and didn't want me to know when it was coming. I even think SmartyPants knew - and managed to keep the secret. I am glad Daddy didn't propose. First of all, I really do want it to be a surprise. Second, we need to get finances under the reins a little better before we start planning a wedding. Third, WHAT THE CRAP am I gonna do when we are married?! I mean, I have been married before and it's not all that different from living together. But that was when I was literally a kid and it was just all wrong. Daddy has never lived on his own except for the military and that doesn't really count since he actually lived on a boat.
Seriously, what will I do when we are married? I really, really want to sign his last name and know that we are stuck with each other forebber and ebber. I can handle the in-laws. We have the same dreams and goals. And where we do differ, we are able to compromise easily. But I still can't let go of this sucking fear. Like, what if I screw up? What if I make this kid hate me? What if I make Daddy hate me? What do we do then? I can't ever leave Daddy and SmartyPants. Not now. I am his mama. I don't want to lose him and I love Daddy more than anyone in the history of Ever. I don't want to lose Daddy anymore than I do SmartyPants. But what if Daddy marries me and it just starts sucking for all of us and then I let everyone down? Geez, I am a wreck over this.
Guess I wont ever know till I try.
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